Speech Impediment

Because I seemingly prattle on so much about how great Kentucky was for me and awful Idaho is (for not having a humor column that I saw in their online selection of articles), I was indirectly challenged to write something offensive about the places I’ve grown up other than Idaho. What better opportunity, which gathers my favored friends together to offer delivery of this requiem, than a class reunion? So in an attempt to appease my partner and make people laugh I give you the high school reunion speech that I will never utter aloud. I will set the scene.

Following speeches by our class president Hilary Vance and our Valedictorian Amar Shah, the class of 2000 has adjourned to the unstilted lobby of the James A. Anderson gymnasium. People are gathered in their groups like a homecoming dance at tables listening to DJ Bolender spin her funky grooves as MC Crace informs us that Anne and Suzanne, members of the yearbook staff, are selling memorabilia located at the tables along the walls. Zach and Beau are roaming with camcorders capturing the nostalgic faces, interviewing the people on how their lives have changed and if they had completed the goals they set out to do. That is when I (slightly imbibed and moved to speak) stand and amble towards the colored disco strobe lights of the sound stage, groping for the microphone that Aaron is reluctant to give me.

The High School Reunion Speech that I will Never Utter

I would like to say… (I tap on the mic and clear my throat)… I would like to say, that I am moved to words now. It has been ten years since we have seen each other, we are remembering old hormones we haven’t felt in those ten years and it will probably be another ten years before I see any of you again, so why the hell not? I am moved to speak with you now, address you all. I realize that we all have lives outside of this room but let’s forget about that for this minute and remember what it was like to stand here ten years ago. (I pause to look around at the bemused audience)

Okay, whatever, let’s talk about Myspace and Facebook.

First though, I would like to ask, did anyone sign up for classmates.com? Anyone? Yeah I’m not sure what happened with that one. Boy it went to shit fast huh? I cannot tell you how many potential pornographic encounters I have passed on since I first discovered back in 02 that nobody I really knew was registered. Even now I receive daily in-box messages “Hello, remember me? This is Angela from high school…” Of course like in high school, it took me awhile to catch onto things. I open the message and think, “Holy-Mother-F--, hmmm, well yes it has been a long time since we’ve seen each other…” And that is it, now I’ve given in, I opened it. I have to decide while staring into her gaping crotch what to message back, under the impression this will be our first conversation as real adults. I subtly clear my throat and glance around the room to see if anyone noticed the change in my demeanor. I lean into the computer and begin to type, “So this is what you’ve been up to lately…”

Of course it isn’t and this isn’t the supposed Angela either, this girl has undoubtedly been giving head since she was in the womb. (Pregnant pause) Sorry, only the parents out there can half cringe-half smile at that one. (Reflective pause) Funny, it seems this is the only chance where pregnancy jokes are really humorous in front of a large crowd, because we have only just recently experienced it and those who haven’t your time is coming up. Most of you will receive e-mails within a few weeks, “Hi… remember me… this is Angela from the class of 2000 reunion…” You’ll delete it with the rest of your spam, glancing about the room, checking out that demeanor thing “Hmm? Oh nothing honey, just some scam, you know, classmates.com.”

I first joined Myspace in 2002-3 after a brief relationship with Xanga and some experimentation with other online journal hosting. Before that I was the guy in the coffee shop below where I lived, scribbling, about how much I hated all of you in high school. Before that I was “that guy” and sometimes that guy carried around a marble mead notebook so he was sometimes referred to as “that guy with the marble mead notebook”. Anyway I thought Myspace was great because it was a mixture of Medias. Not only could I write to friends or blog post but I could upload pictures and share art work, music files and the thing just kept getting better. They updated features and players and skins… then all the underclassman graduated and found out about it. Myspace was ruined by the class of 2004. There was really nothing else for me to do but return to the old Canson books or go to college. At least if I went to a university I could get an (.edu) e-mail account and join Facebook. So that is what I did. By that time though, it was open to hotmail accounts and now everyone had Facebook too.

I thought one of the greatest things was the blog. In any form xanga, myspace, blogspot. Blogs were a way to process your thoughts into something worth delivering to other people. I thought, “Great we can finally say what we want and in due time the person we want to read it will eventually find the message I want to deliver them.” So I set to writing. I wrote my thoughts. I shared my experiences. I dabbled in fiction. I didn’t have a journal but a way of recording everything that I pushed out of my head. I emptied my head so much the great expanse had shifted me to Idaho where I was mistaken for a couch potato. I viewed other people’s blogs… nothing. I checked my friends…nothing. Hardly anybody was writing anything. I thought maybe they were too shy to share. No problem, I was the same way once. Or perhaps it’s because the class of 2004 has taken over. They were processing the most whiney/bitchy bullshit ranting but they were doing it so much and so often it was becoming a trend. I found myself agreeing more with comments like “you little mother fuckers stop slashing yourself, I want to draw first blood.” Someone gave them the name emo and used the quote for bumper banner art. Of course eventually the classes of 2005 and 6 were graduated and must have been slightly larger in proportion to its predecessors because they offered to “cut their steazy little faces off with a straight edge.”

[Just as a side note there are gangs out in the western United States composed of people who believe themselves to be drug-free and therefore “straight edge” or “hard core” most of them dress goth/punk and talk about bigger cities where they will die of natural causes like; skin cancer, emphysema or carbon monoxide poisoning and terrorism, also known as falling building syndrome. The only thing worse than these are their geek counterparts the “green party” who not only take to heart the anti-drug sentiment but also do not eat meat and ride bikes to prevent polluting the earth, thus saving valuable fuels. They will be the first to teeter over the bridge. I see them all the time getting gassed by hard-core traffic smog.]

Eventually it seemed everyone loved Facebook more than Myspace because by now they were out of college and into their first stages of boredom by occupation. They also had careers which allowed them the time to explore applications like mafia wars, fish aquarium and the never ending number of quiz’s that test your knowledge about trivial stuff so you can win banners and pictures to place on your otherwise blank wall. This is unlike Myspace where you didn’t have to earn them, you could just cut and paste into a post, picture or re-do your thomas’ editor #34 and use it as a background image, which you probably changed nearly every day because you were not blogging.

The quizzes, however, are a positive way to promote what is learned from college; that you must earn the cool things in your life. Just watching the Care Bears, Rainbow Bright or Strawberry Shortcake and incessantly quoting is not enough commitment to 80’s cartoons, now you have to waste your time taking a quiz about them to prove, once again, you are cool. Instead, if we refuse to advance in any other way and remain in this cultural identity and everyone is cool with that, I propose if nothing else people learn the art of reasonable deduction through questioning. Example: “When is your birthday?” -1981, okay, so you were a kid in the 80’s, got it – “So did you watch cartoons growing up?” - no… okay, so this person had more of a life -“Slinky or Rubik’s Cube much? Eh? Frisbee?” – damn I’m striking out… wait, look there’s someone with a Paddington Bear snugglie on their ferret, that is fuckin’ who I should be talking with – “See ya Dockus-Reagan - chowderhead- pooh bear .” -and so on.

The other presumed good thing about Facebook, that I do not really agree is such a good thing, there is no blogging. There is no real voice to people in the photos. We are reduced to memories and once again to the quick comments such as we were when we passed each other in the hallways of our school that our faces already described. -Sorry you didn’t do well on your test- “here take this cigarette, I’ve got to go.” Or, -Oh you broke up again, gosh- “I will take you to the Bluegrass tonight and buy your coffee.” Or my personal favorite, -you’re bleeding - “Someone punched you in the mouth.” Now though this stuff doesn’t even matter and we can type as many one liners as we want to and attach photos and video and links to tell the story in not so many words. And I guess… (I shrug my shoulders and look around) I guess that is the point of this speech. This is all stuff you know or don’t care about now that your lives are so advanced and you’ve got your cool careers. I just wanted to get up and tell you politely, classmates (.com) had gone to shit, my space is better than your face book and the less you talk the more sense you make, also I like Paddington bear snugglies, I only think it would be funny in combination with a ferret.